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This is a discussion on JASON'S JOKES within the Jokers Corner forums, part of the Pass Some Time category; A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely ...
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18-10-04, 19:03
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 JASON'S JOKES A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful. "Whoa, Sam!" said the bartender. "Who gave those beauties to you?" "Nobody gave them to me," said Sam. "I had to fight like crazy for both of them." .................................................. .................................................. .. What happens when people of different occupations get old. - Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive. - Old chemists never die, they just fail to react. - Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket. - Old cooks never die, they just get deranged. .................................................. .................................................. .. The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello? I'm calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!" "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave. The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?" "Yep." "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Great, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."             |
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19-10-04, 19:33
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| A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon. "Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked. "Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?" So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?" "No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep. When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?" "No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand." |
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19-10-04, 19:39
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| huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?" The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream." So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes." So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman. She said, "You now have 3 wishes." I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger." She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked! She then asked, "What will be your second wish?" I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!" Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?" I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?" |
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20-10-04, 20:53
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| This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Chuck. He’ll service every chicken you got, no problem.” Well, Chuck the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’d be worth it. So, he buys Chuck. The farmer takes Chuck home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, “Chuck, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money. Consequently, I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer said, with a chuckle. Chuck seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Chuck took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Chuck nails every hen in the hen house - - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Chuck is in there. Later, the farmer sees Chuck after a flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again, - WHAM! - He gets all the geese. By sunset he sees Chuck out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught—worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last 24 hours. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Chuck dead as a doorknob—stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh Chuck, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you’ve done to yourself.” Chuck opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, “Shhhh, they’re getting closer.....” |
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20-10-04, 21:31
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| if easilly offended plz dont read A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his >father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? > >The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of >breasts. > > >In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, >round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, >still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." > > > "Onions?" > > >"Yes, see them and they make you cry." > > >This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter >said, "Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" > > >The mother, surprised, smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, > > >"Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, >his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and >forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it >is like a Christmas tree." >"A Christmas tree?" > > >"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only!" > > > |
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21-10-04, 13:26
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| Two Snowmen in a field one say's to the other " Can you smell carrots?" :) |
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13-11-04, 19:39
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| Two deaf lesbians walking down the street with their hands in one anothers trousers. A copper stops them and demands to know what they think they are doing cavorting in a public place? We're lip reading of course! .................................................. .................................................. Three blondes were off walking through the woods one day, chatting away about blonde things, when suddenly they came across the river. But where before the river was a little trickle, it was now a raging torrent, thundering across their path. "How are we ever going to get across there they wailed, staring hopelessly at the seething waters. "I wish I was 10 times cleverer, then I'm sure I could think of a way to get across" complained the first blond. Luckily, and unbeknownst to her, she was standing beneath the magic wish tree, who heard her cry and granted her wish Instantly she turned into a redhead, and became 10 times cleverer! "I know",she said, "I'll swing on that vine over the river!" and with that she leapt on to the vine and swung across the river, that raging tumultuous river. "Wow" thought the second blonde, having seen her friends' intellectual elevation by the magic wish tree. "I wish I was a HUNDRED times cleverer then I could get across too!" And lo! The magic wish tree granted her wish. Instantly she turned into a brunette, and became 100 times cleverer! "I know" she said, suddenly enlightened. "I'll make a raft from that spare wood over there - bind it all with that vine - then I can get across too!" So she built the raft, carefully lashed it together, and paddled safely across the thundering torrent, not even getting her new brunette locks damp! "Wow" thought the third blonde, having seen this miraculous change! "I wish I was a THOUSAND times cleverer, then I could get across too" Instantly she turned into a man, and walked across on the bridge. |
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13-11-04, 19:43
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| Steven Spielberg is discussing his new film - a movie about famous composers. Sly Stallone, Steven Segal, Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzeneger are all present. To encourage them to appear in the movie, Spielberg lets them choose the composer they each want to play. "Well," says Stallone. "I've always admired Mozart. I'll play him." "Chopin has always been my favourite. I'll play him," says Willis. "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segal. "I'd like to play him." "Great," says Spielberg. "And how about you Arnie?" Schwarzenegger replies: "I'll be Bach" ==================================== A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of every show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was absolutely furious but couldn't do anything about it. He was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then one day the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the bloody parrot. They stared at each other with absolute hatred but did not utter a single word. This went on for a day, then another and then another. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the fu**ing ship"? =================================== A warning was issued from the police today not to purchase a dwarf of low IQ that may be for sale in local pubs etc. A police spokesperson said: "Its not big and its not clever." |
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13-11-04, 19:46
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| Irishman englishman an scots man chatting in a pub. the englisman says i named my son george, because he was born on saint georges day, The scot said yes and i named my son Andrew coz he was born on saint Andrews day, Just then a young lad walked into the pub , Paddy jumps up and says hey "Lads , have you met pancake?" ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++ Blonde walks into sex shop and asks the shop keeper for a vibrator. The man looks up and says "Choose one from the range on the wall" Ok, she says. Five minutes later she's back at the counter excitidly demanding the 'Red one' The shop keeper tells her that she can't have it. Why not? she demands. Thats our fire extinguisher he love! |
