Know any more jokes?

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767's had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS!" The attendant replied, "I'm sorry sir, I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out". The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 14". With folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F**k You!". Without flinching, she smiled and said, 'I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

[Jason]

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

a bloke holds a fancy dress party where his guests have to come dressed as emotions. the first guest arrives covered in green paint and with the letters N and V on his chest he says " im green with envey"...a few minutes later the next guest arrives ...a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her most intimate parts she says " im tickled pink ".....then a few moments later paddy and murphy arrive, upon opening the door the host sees them both standing there naked one with his willy in a bowl of custard the other with his willy stuck in a pear.....the host is shocked and asks " what the hell is going on ? what emotions are you two supposed to be ? " ......well says paddy" oim fu****g discustard and murphy has cum in this pair" :yelrotflm :yelrotflm :yelrotflm

[wayneyboy1942]

A bloke's walking down the street when he is attacked by a seven foot Beetle with a baseball bat!
He wakes up in hospital,the doctor ask's "What happend to you?"
the bloke tells him and the doctor say's "your the sixth person to have been attacked today!! there must be a nasty bug going around!!!!" :)

[wayneyboy1942]

I got told this one today and I liked it!!! :)
Two Monkey's in a bath,the Monkey at the back say's "OOOO EEEK OOOOO EEEK!!"
and the Monkey at the front say's "ok! ok! I'll put some more cold water in!!!" :)

[jaseyboy]

boom boom. they get worse and worse

[ollie]

Jasey at your tender age you remember Basil Brush?

Originally Posted by jaseyboy

boom boom. they get worse and worse

[grannyclaret]

basil brush told some better jokes than some of the ones on here .................i used to like his posh voice .......................

[Bezza]

Classic Tommy Cooper one-liners....



Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

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Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.

The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there

anything you can do for him? "

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to

have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"



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Guy goes into the doctor's.

"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside

"How's that?"

"Don't you start"

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"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."

"Well you can't say fairer than that then"

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What's brown and sounds like a bell?

DUNG

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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

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So I went to the dentist.

He said "Say Aaah."

I said "Why?"

He said "My dog's died.'"

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"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said

'Who's speaking please?'

And a voice said 'You are.'"



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"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming

baths?'

He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"

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I went to the railway satation and said "Give me a return ticket please"

"Certainly Sir - where to?"

"Back here of course."

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"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'

He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.

And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I

careered off the road.

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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."

The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"



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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other

"Does this taste funny to you?"

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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery

acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

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"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.

They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'ParkingFine.'

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A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "

The man replied "I know I've been ill"

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A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"

The doctor said "well don't go there any more"

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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.

He wasn't very happy.

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My dog was barking at everyone the other day.

Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.

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I was driving down the motorway with my girlfriend the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the

next 2 years.

[grannyclaret]

now they are funny ,,,,,that man was a genius,,R.I.P.

Two Irish couples decide to go in for a bit of partner swapping to spice up their sex life. After about an hour Paddy declares breathlessly, 'oh bejaysus, that was amazin' so it was, I wonder how the girls are getting on!'

Originally Posted by Flower

Two Irish couples decide to go in for a bit of partner swapping to spice up their sex life. After about an hour Paddy declares breathlessly, 'oh bejaysus, that was amazin' so it was, I wonder how the girls are getting on!'

:lol: :yelrotflm

i like that 1

[actionman2005]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank.

Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back. Frustrated, she shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"