Christmas jokes.

[wayneyboy1942]

Can you beat these festive jokes? They are my best one's so here they are....

A man sneak's into a butchers shop,makes a note of all the price's and sneak's back out,he does this in all the butchers shops in town, He was a Mince Spy!!!!! :)

A little boy say's to his Mum "do'nt bother telling Santa about me wanting a bike" His Mum say's "Why Billy?" the little boy say's"cos I've just found one in the wardrobe"!!!!!! :)

It's Christmas eve,Dusseldorf Germany, a man is dressed in red and white, is in a heap, toy's spread about,raindeer looking stunned,and a broken hut,the man say's "Rudolf you fool I said land on the Schmit house"!!!!! :)

Please feel free to try to top these jokes I wo'nt mind. :)

[grannyclaret]

took a long time to get the last one ,but then thought it very funny '

cant think of any?????

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.


How are a Christmas tree and a priest alike ?
They both have ornamental balls. ....(sorry)

Why doesn't Santa have any children ?
Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney. .(sorry again..lol)

What's the difference between snowmen and snowladies ?
Snowballs.

One evening, in a busy lounge in the deep south, a reindeer walked in the door, bellied up to the bar and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the reindeer, and accepted the twenty-dollar bill from the reindeer's hoof.
As he handed the reindeer some coins in change, he said "You know, I think you're the first reindeer I've ever seen in here."
The reindeer looked hard at the hoofful of change and said "Hmmmpf. Let me tell you something, buddy. At these f****n' prices, I'm the last reindeer you'll see in here."

The 12 Days Of Christmas (For the politically correct)


On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to
me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of
members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in
their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal
ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products
from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw
red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge
have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further
Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been
revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses

AND a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

[wayneyboy1942]

I thought I'd plonk this one on again you may have forgotten it.

Two snowmen in a field one say's to the other "can you smell carrots?"

[grannyclaret]

:D bring back morcambe and wise , and tommy cooper , no offense meant lads :lol:

Q. What does Santa write on his Christmas Cards?

A. ABCDEFGHIJKMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ (No-L} :D



Q. Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

A. He had no body to go with. :D

[janet]

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !
How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !
What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !
What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !
What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !
Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !
Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !
How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !
Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

[ollie]

Boots have a special offer on Tampax two for the price of one hurry it's only for the Christmas period!

[Digsyboy]

Did you hear about the magic tactor????
.
.
.
.
.
.
It turned into a FIELD
:yelrotflm :lol:

[grannyclaret]

: i diddent get that joke until i realised you meant tractor,and not tactor ,you dipstick :stupid:

[Digsyboy]

It's My Keyboards Fault!

[grannyclaret]

te he he he ha ha ,i like that :yelrotflm , you never were one for taking the blame :yelrotflm

[jaseyboy]

well it has to be said, you really are terrrible at jokes!!

shoot me now please!!!

[actionman2005]

What did the guest sing at the Eskimo's Christmas party ?
Freeze a jolly fellow

What party game did Jekyll like best ?
Hyde and Seek

Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone ?
A dog ate him in the hall

What would you do if you saw Dracula, Frankenstein & The Swamp Thing ?
Hope they were going as a fancy dress party

Why couldn't the butterfly go to the Chistmas ball ?
It was a moth ball

How did the chickens dance at the Christmas party ?
Chick to chick

Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party ?
It was a scream

Did you hear about the party with lots of fireworks, balloons & crackers ?
It went with a bang

What did Dracula say at the Christmas party ?
Fancy a bite

Why couldn't the skeleton go to the Christmas Party ?
He had no body to go with