Jason's Jokes Part 2

[Jason]

Q: Why do they call PMS PMS?
A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken!
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A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and
says, ''Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?'' Then the lady answered,
''Excuse me, I think this is a goose.'' And the bartender says, ''Excuse me, I
was talking to the goose.''
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My wife asked me to take her to the zoo the other day. I said, “If you want
people to see you they can come here and do it!

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What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper? One is pale and
scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
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A blonde and a lawyer were seated next to each other on a long flight. To pass
the time, the lawyer suggested that they try to stump one another with trivia.
"If I ask you something that you don't know, you owe me $5. The same goes if
you ask me something I don't know." The blonde refused.
"Okay. If you don't know an answer, you pay me $5, but if I don’t know an
answer, I pay you $50."
The blonde accepted. The Lawyer went first.
"What is the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde didn't say anything, but merely reached into her purse, pulled out
a $5 bill and handed it to the lawyer. Then it was her turn.

"What has four legs going up a hill, but only three coming down?"
The lawyer had no idea, so he gave her a $50 bill.

"So, what is it?"

The blonde said nothing, but merely reached into her purse and gave a $5 bill
to the lawyer.

[Jason]

If you want too annoy somone

1. stand over somone's shoulder mumbling, as they read.

2. repeat the following conversation a dozen times........." do you hear that", what?? "never mind its gone now"

3. light road flares on a birthday cake

4. Repeat everything someone says as a question

5. Beep and wave to strangers. (Jason's favourite)

6. Drum on every kind of surface

7 Disassemble your pen and "accidently" flip the ink across the room.

8. "forget" the punchline to a long joke, but assure your listner it was a real hoot.

9. If you have a glass eye, tap it occasionally with your pen while talking to others

10. Specify your drive though order "to go"

[Jason]

Think of a letter between
A and W.
..
..
..
..
..
..

Repeat it
out loud as
you scroll down.
..
..
..

..
..
..
Keep going . . .
Don't stop . .
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Think of an
animal
that begins
with that letter.
..
..
..
. .
..
.
..
..
Repeat it
out loud
as you scroll down.
..
..
.
..
..
..
..
..
Think of
either a man's/woman's
name
that
begins
with the
last letter
in the
animal's name
..
..
.
..
..
..
..
..
Almost
there........
..
..
..
.
..
..
.
..
Now
count out
the letters
in that name
on the fingers
of the hand
you are not
using to
scroll down.
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
Take the
hand you
counted with
and hold it out
in front of you
at face level
.
..
..
..
..
..
..
Look at your
palm
very closely
and
notice
the
lines
in
your
hand
.
..
..
..
Do the lines
take the
form of the
first letter
in the
person's name?
.
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
..
.. Of course not......
..
..
..
Now smack
yourself in the head, get a life,
and
quit playing
stupid games

[Jason]

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-controlcompany. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together whenher husband arrived home unexpectedly."Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!"and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroomdiscovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator."What are you doing in there?" the husband asked."I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the manreplied."And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little *******s."

[Jason]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to
consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, "I have a
confession to make, I'm not a virgin."
The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."
The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."
"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"
"Tiger Woods."
"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"
"Yeah."
"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed
with him."
The husband and wife then make passionate love. When they are done, the
husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
"What are you doing?" asks the wife.
The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get
something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a
second time. When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
"Now what are you doing?" she asks.
The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service
to get something to eat."
"Tiger wouldn't do that."
"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"
"He'd come back to bed and do it again."
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more
time. When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to
the
phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"
"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out.....

..... what the par is for this damn hole!.

[Jason]

In a train carriage there was an Englishman, a Frenchman, a spectacular looking blonde and an ugly looking fat lady.

After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a
dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard. When they leave the
tunnel, the Frenchman had a big red slap mark on his cheek.

(1) The blonde thought - 'That French swine wanted to touch me and by
mistake, he must have put his hand on the fat lady, who in turn must
have slapped his face'

(2) The fat lady thought - 'This dirty old Frenchman laid his hands ontheblonde and she smacked him'.

(3) The Frenchman thought - 'That Englishman put his hand on thatblonde and by mistake she slapped me'.

(4) The Englishman thought - 'I hope there's another tunnel soon so I can smack that French t**t again'.

[Jason]

A little boy was lost at in the supermarket. He went up to the security guard and said "I've lost my dad." The security guard asked him "What's he like?" and the little boy replied "Beer, and women with big boobs."
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A man is sitting in the pub when he hears a bowl of peanuts on the bar saying "Oooh, you really are amazing. Oooh, you are lovely." Then the fruit machine shouted "Rubbish, look at the state of that haircut. And those socks don't go with those shoes." The barman apologised. "I'm sorry," he said, "The nuts are complimentary but the fruit machine is out of order."
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A man with a dog walked into a pub. The landlord said, "Sorry Sir, no dogs." Bluffing outrageously, the man said "I'm blind,.. its my Guide Dog". The landlord looks doubtful and said, "But its a Yorkshire Terrier." The dog owner put on a look of astonishment and said "What? But they told me it was a very small labrador!"

[Jason]

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife:


Dear Wife, You must realize that you are 54-years-old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. Your Husband
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him from his wife: Dear Husband, You too are 54-years-old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, my love... don't wait up. Your Wife

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Rodney sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.

"Give me the bad news first," said Rodney.
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars," said the solicitor.
"That's the bad news?" asked Rodney incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news." "It's of you and your mistress," replied the solicitor.

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Did you hear about the man who poured beer over his lawn, hoping that the grass would come up half cut?

[Jason]

Did you hear about the two men who were stopped by the police for being drunk and disorderly and it turned out that the first had been drinking battery acid and the second had been swallowing fireworks. One was charged and the other was let off.

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Vincent Van Gogh was painting in a corner of the pub when his mate Rembrandt walked in. "Fancy a drink, Van Goghy?" called out Rembrandt. "No, its okay", said Van Gogh, "I've got one ear."

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[Jason]

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

[Jason]

A little Native American boy asked his father, the big chief ofthe tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have very long names, while the white men have shorter names - like Bill, Tex or Sam?"

His father replied, " Son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or apoem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive."

"For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake,because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moonreflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of
the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horsewho gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.It's very simple and easy to understand.

Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made In China?"

[Jason]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed amost unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.


A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first.


Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on aleash.


Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.



The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached theman walking the dog.

"I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file. Whose funeral is it?

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied " My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wifewhen the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the twomen.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue"

[Jason]

A young couple are making passionate love in the back of the guy's van when
suddenly the girl, being a bit kinky, yells out: "Oh, big boy, whip me, whip
me!"
The guy obviously doesn't have any whips to hand, but not wanting to pass up
this opportunity, he has an idea. Opening the window, he snaps off the
antenna from his van and proceeds to whip the girl until they both collapse
in ecstasy.
A week later, the girl notices the welts from the whipping session are
starting to fester, so she visits her doctor.
The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks: 'Did you get these marks
having sex?'
The girl is embarrassed but admits what happened.
Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims:' I thought so, in all my
years as a doctor, this is the worst case of van aerial disease i've ever
seen.'