As this is my first Blog I hope you will bear with me. Life at the moment is pretty rough with all that is going on. My hubby has been battling cancer for quite a while now and it does get you down. He had his first op in 1992 although I wasn't told he had cancer of the bowel (they didn't have to tell me then). He had his second op in 2005 again for bowel cancer. He was offered chemo after the op but the chances of it being benefical were 1in20 so he refused. I know a lot of people will find it hard to understand why he refused treatment but he had been so ill before the op and was just beginning to feel more like his old self that he didn't want a treatment that was going to make him ill again plus the odds were pretty low in his favour.
Twelve months after the op he was booked in for a scan as is the norm. This showed that the cancer had gone to his left lung. He had an op to remove it last December and in January we went to see the oncologist who was very abrupt with him and basically talked him out of having chemo much to my disgust. He was promised three monthly scans which he accepted.
Anyway the scans revealed that the cancer had travelled to his right lung. It is still classed as bowel cancer because rather than lung cancers these are cells that have resulted from his original bowel op. He was then offered six lots of chemo over twelve weeks which he has had.
He had a scan last Monday and if the chemo hasn't helped he will hopefully be offered a stronger dose. We are going for the results tomorrow so will let you know how we get on. Hope this hasn't bored you to much but it does help to get it off my chest!!
Twelve months after the op he was booked in for a scan as is the norm. This showed that the cancer had gone to his left lung. He had an op to remove it last December and in January we went to see the oncologist who was very abrupt with him and basically talked him out of having chemo much to my disgust. He was promised three monthly scans which he accepted.
Anyway the scans revealed that the cancer had travelled to his right lung. It is still classed as bowel cancer because rather than lung cancers these are cells that have resulted from his original bowel op. He was then offered six lots of chemo over twelve weeks which he has had.
He had a scan last Monday and if the chemo hasn't helped he will hopefully be offered a stronger dose. We are going for the results tomorrow so will let you know how we get on. Hope this hasn't bored you to much but it does help to get it off my chest!!
Well It Is Nearly Here
Posted 19-12-07 at 16:43 by bernie
Christmas is nearly upon us and I'm not ready in fact I'm dreading it. Will be going to my sisters for christmas dinner but the way I feel just now don't think I'll be very good company. God how I miss Ian and wonder why he had to go.
The DHSS don't make life any easier, they say you are entitled to something then your not. What they don't do is help, I had a form to fill in for Bereavement Benefits and took it to Welfare Rights so they could help. Whilst there I was told that I can claim carers allowance for eight weeks after Ian's death. If I hadn't gone there doubt I would ever have known this. Why are people not told what they can claim?
Being able to claim this also means that I am entitled to the funeral grant which will go straight to his son who is taking care of that side of things. It is so annoying that even at times like this you aren't told just what you can claim for.
Went to the chemo unit today with the donatitions and dropped a couple of cards off to people who have been a great help over the last couple of years. Don't think they realise just what a help they are to us lay people.
After that we walked into Blackburn via Argos where daughter had reserved a present. Then it was into the market for family christmas cards(four for a pound) which is enough to pay IMO. Mine totted up to five pounds while daughters were nine pounds. Just shows how big the family is!!
Just hope I can manage to lift myself out of this horrible place I seem to be in at the moment before christmas day. Going in to the shops and hearing the christmas songs just seems to intensify how lost I feel at the moment. It is like losing part of yourself.
The DHSS don't make life any easier, they say you are entitled to something then your not. What they don't do is help, I had a form to fill in for Bereavement Benefits and took it to Welfare Rights so they could help. Whilst there I was told that I can claim carers allowance for eight weeks after Ian's death. If I hadn't gone there doubt I would ever have known this. Why are people not told what they can claim?
Being able to claim this also means that I am entitled to the funeral grant which will go straight to his son who is taking care of that side of things. It is so annoying that even at times like this you aren't told just what you can claim for.
Went to the chemo unit today with the donatitions and dropped a couple of cards off to people who have been a great help over the last couple of years. Don't think they realise just what a help they are to us lay people.
After that we walked into Blackburn via Argos where daughter had reserved a present. Then it was into the market for family christmas cards(four for a pound) which is enough to pay IMO. Mine totted up to five pounds while daughters were nine pounds. Just shows how big the family is!!
Just hope I can manage to lift myself out of this horrible place I seem to be in at the moment before christmas day. Going in to the shops and hearing the christmas songs just seems to intensify how lost I feel at the moment. It is like losing part of yourself.
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 | Bernie, it is a terrible time to lose the man who meant so much to you(and your family)....and remember, they too will not feel too much like celebrating either. Ask yourself what Ian would want you to do......and also ask yourself if you would wish him back to his suffering and pain......you know the answers to both of these questions. Maybe, you should see Christmas day as a way of having a family lunch to celebrate the good things that Ian brought to your life....and maybe have another Christmas in the Middle of next year. Not that i'm suggesting you will be over the grief you are experiencing now, but your mood may be a little lighter. You can't ignore your feelings, nor should you.....and the place you are in now will seem very cold, dark and unwelcome......but eventually the dark will have shafts of light to pierce it, you will feel the warmth of family to comfort you, and friends to support you. God Bless you Bernie. x x x |
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| |  Magpi I know you are right but all I see at the moment are dark times. You know I would not wish Ian back to suffer but sometimes I wish he could help me through my pain as I tried to help him through his. I know it's irrational but just a cuddle would do in these dark times!! |
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| | Bernie, give yourself some time and space. I'm sure that where ever Ian is now, he is aware of your pain......and it isn't irrational to want to be comforted. And it is very hard to remember the good times that you and Ian shared when you are so very sad. You are going to go through a range of emotions, and all of it is partof grieving.....no-one can tell you how best to do it, no-one can do it for you. You have to find your own way out of this dark place....and you can do it with the help of your family and friends. I'm thinking of you, and my prayers are for you. |
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| | Thanks Magpi, know that what you say is true and hope as time passes the hurt will lift if only a bit. You don't realise how much it means to be able to unburden myself. I will be eternally grateful for your kind words and just you being there, Berniexxx |
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Recent Blog Entries by bernie
- Life!!!! (08-06-08)
- Is It That Long Since? (08-05-08)
- A Pleasant Christmas (27-12-07)
- Well It Is Nearly Here (19-12-07)
- The Last Few Days (15-12-07)
