[Rolyat]

Nicked from elsewhere on the web:

Some of Ronnie Barkers best gags.

"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon
slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but
hopes to be back on duty tomorrow."

"Have you heard the one about the retired general who said he had not
had sex since 1956? His friend said, 'That's a long time ago.' 'I
don't know,' the general replied. 'It's only 20.27 now."

A famous Spoonerism from Open All Hours: "Don't just crit there
siticising".

To his assistant Granville (David Jason) who is toying nervously with
the cash register in Open All Hours: "Come on, you aren't there to
play the Warsaw Concerto."

As Fletcher in Porridge, when playing monopoly: "Would you Adam and
Eve it? Go to jail!"

Again from Porridge: "What have I learned, Mr Mackay? Three things.
One - bide your time. Two - keep your nose clean. And three - don't
let the *******s grind you down."

"There was a strange happening during a performance of Elgar's Sea
Pictures at a concert hall in Bermuda tonight, when the man playing
the triangle disappeared."

"Next week we'll be investigating rumours that the president of the
dairy council has become a Mason, and goes around giving his
colleagues the secret milkshake."

"We'll continue our investigation into the political beliefs of
nudists. We've already noticed a definite swing to the left."

"The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a
lifetime peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies."

"The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say
they have nothing to go on."

"In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work
contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."

"The prime minister held a meeting with the cabinet today. He also
spoke to the bookcase and argued with the chest of drawers."

"Following the dispute with the domestic servants' union at Buckingham
Palace today, the Queen, a radiant figure in a white silk gown and
crimson robe, swept down the main staircase and through the hall. She
then dusted the cloakroom and vacuumed the lounge."

"The West Drayton man who has kept himself awake every night for 17
years by snoring has at least found the answer. He's going to sleep in
another room."