[pyeman]

This wind-up article appeared recently in an American magazine. By
all accounts it was taken seriously by a lot of people...

MONEY
The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to
as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say "I'd love to
come to the pub but I haven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern
word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of
seventeen cents American.


MAKING FRIENDS
If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great ******"
- he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile,
demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands
with your acquaintances and ******s when you walk down the street.


FOOD AND WINE
British cuisine enjoys a well deserved reputation as the most sublime
gastronomic pleasure available to man. Thanks to today's robust dollar,
the American traveller can easily afford to dine out several times a
week (rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your
afternoon **** for). Few foreigners are aware that there are several
grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles
of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence
(BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE
beef and won't settle for anything less. If he balks at your request,
custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth
while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss.

Once the waiter realises you are a person of discriminating taste, he
may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British
wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine
grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia
- try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed.

When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount.
Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again,
in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will
understand that he should run a tab for you.


TRANSPORTATION
Public taxis are subsidised by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi
ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a
taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you
charlatan!", then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the
driver disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are
required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus,
pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-coloured coins are "pence"),
and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me
to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of
harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.
Ignore him, as he is only teasing the American tourist (little does
he know you're not so ignorant!).

For those travelling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be
the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman.
Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for
free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the
base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near
any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians.

Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes
disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes
were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French
saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The
announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab
your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever
been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor
drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.


AIRPORTS
One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at
Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane
(an international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands
for "shalom"). As savvy travellers know, this little white lie
will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through
customs. Safe travels and Bon Voyage!