Classic Tommy Cooper one-liners....
Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
----------------------------------------------------------------
Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there
anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to
have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Guy goes into the doctor's.
"Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside
"How's that?"
"Don't you start"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's."
"Well you can't say fairer than that then"
----------------------------------------------------------------
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
DUNG
-----------------------------------------------------------------
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
So I went to the dentist.
He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?"
He said "My dog's died.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming
baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I went to the railway satation and said "Give me a return ticket please"
"Certainly Sir - where to?"
"Back here of course."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
-----------------------------------------------------------------
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I
careered off the road.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round."
The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery
acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'ParkingFine.'
----------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time "
The man replied "I know I've been ill"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said "well don't go there any more"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
My dog was barking at everyone the other day.
Still, what can you expect from a cross-breed.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I was driving down the motorway with my girlfriend the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turn-off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the
next 2 years.  |